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Leave Me Alone For Mother’s Day: Just For A Moment // #AllThingsHD

May 9th, 2020
Posted in #LIFEINHD

I’m going to jump straight to the point. What do I really want for Mother’s Day besides good food??? To be completely ALONE! To not have to answer to anyone, have anyone calling on me to do stuff, to not have anyone waiting on me to do something or expecting me to do something, to have a good old fashion cry it out session, to not feel overwhelmed or like I failed as a mom because, dang I’m exhausted and always being pushed to my limits & I lost my patience so now feel like a terrible person. I want to actually relax if I can even remember what that feels like. I’ve gotten so accustomed to living “stressed,” and fatigued on edge and for one day, heck maybe even a week, or a month- I just want time to reconnect with myself and to feel good. Again, if I can remember what that feels like.


Nobody tells you how challenging motherhood is going to be. You just sort of jump on the roller coaster, strap in and navigate as best you can. Sure, you may have some support or advice from other moms who have been there done that or who are facing similar struggles, but no one can actually prepare you for everything you will encounter on your motherhood journey. It’s amazing and beautiful but it can also be lonely, down right exhausting and overwhelming. I mean seriously- it’s non stop, keep moving, onward, let me pray about it and keep on pushing madness. And to that point, thank goodness for prayer because that is literally what gets me through.


There are moments I want to freeze in time when I feel a peace as a mom and feel like there’s “balance,” but truth be told- what balance? Some days I’m an amazing wife and need work as a mom, some days I’m an amazing mom and not the greatest wife, but most days I feel like I am everything to/for someone else but lacking big time in being something to myself. Finding the time to even decompress or have a moment of me time is slim and I mean slim! But that’s not how it’ll be forever. I know that and people love to share that one little reminder that they don’t stay little forever. While that is in fact true and a valid point to value and hone in, suffering doesn’t have to be the normal either.


There are some amazing women in my life who are moms and mothers, and while they have their share of struggles, they have a better rhythm and I admire that. I’m encouraged by them and their support systems and that inspiration makes me want to continue to work on myself- as a mother in particular and feeling whole, healthy, and again… good.


I don’t need a day to tell me I’m a good mother or to celebrate what I do as a mom. I see it in my kiddos smiles, the way they embrace me even when I don’t feel I deserve their grace on a day I’ve been more short with them than usual. I see how educated my kids are, the way they love GOD and each other, the way they treat people and how respectful they are. I see the way my kiddos want to spend time with me and look forward to all of our crazy adventures: being outside, science projects, fort building, sleepovers in my room etc. I see the way my kiddos comfort me when I have a weak moment. I see how their faces light up when something as simple as buying them their favorite snack or making them their favorite meal and all the “thank you mommas,” that come after. I hear all the compliments and “I love you’s,” and know that I’m doing something right amidst my up and down roller coaster of motherhood.


So even though I don’t feel good, or rested, or even sometimes happy; I put on a brave face and I show up for my family. I show up for my kids because they need their mom. But they also deserve a mom who takes care of herself. And so for one day, I would love to be alone so I can do just that… paint my nails, nap, listen to music, write, pray pray pray and pray some more, restore old dreams & begin the process of becoming something more than … becoming someone I’m fully proud of. I know my kiddos aren’t looking for me to be anything other than their mom, but it’s important for me to show them who they can become. How do I want my daughters to view me? Would I tell them to let themselves fall apart? to settle? To feel alone? What example am I setting for my sons? What am I teaching them in what to look for in women? And quite frankly- why shouldn’t they be able to see their mom in other roles and be proud of her, to see her hard work, dedication and education pay off? I want them to be proud of me and I know they already are, but those who can relate know exactly what I mean.


Right now. I’m just burnt out. The days seem longer during quarantine. Homeschool is vexing. I’ve been pregnant or nursing for the last almost 9 years and currently praying to find a way to wean my daughter because breastfeeding is taking a toll on me and I’m losing all the sleep. I need to do a lot of things * inserts long list*, but time is not on my side. I just need a break, a let it out cry session, and then maybe, just maybe I’ll be a little “good,” for a moment.


It’s 1:05 am and while I’m typing this blog on my phone, my daughter just popped up to nurse again. No rest for the weary. Let us pray (seriously) because there is power in prayer and if I’m not writing/journaling, you best believe I’m talking to GOD. He is my safe Haven and my light in the darkness. On my worst days, I find strength in Him. I hope this post resonated with whomever it was meant to, and in a good way. I may he venting so to speak, but the painful reminder many of us need is that we need to take better care of ourselves. Not everyone understands how important it is for moms to get a break, for us to feel appreciated, for us to have things just taken care of without us asking…but I’m here to tell you that I do, and if you have the support, do it! You are a critical and extremely essential piece to your family and if you’re not good, and I mean really good, eventually it’ll show up in your health, your mental, your spirit and then others around you will feel it. I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum and dedicating my time moving forward back to getting on the positive end because I deserve it and you do too! Take care of yourselves momma and don’t feel bad if you need to “let it all out.” If you need someone to listen, I’m here and so is GOD. The joy of the Lord is our strength! Hang in there mommas and whatever you do (or don’t do for that matter) for Mother’s Day, enjoy it! You are celebrated everyday!


But seriously, can I (we) have just one moment alone on Sunday? 🙂


Xoxo,


One Honest, Tired Momma,


Heaven

P.S. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!



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